They're instinctive, clear, strong, usually have a large impact on your life, but for some reason, people just struggle to say them out loud. They're just there - you know it, your body knows it, and your mind knows it. It's almost like how you know that blood flows through your veins, but you don't see it on a daily basis.
When I was trying to decide how to parent my child that is challenged by Autism, I researched the multiple parenting styles out there. I found that none of them individually or specifically met my needs, but that rather, a combination of them met my needs as a parent. This weekend as I found myself pondering how I'm doing with being "permissive, uninvolved, authoritative, and authoritarian" I realized I'm doing a good job of being all of them appropriately with my child. Yet, there was this sense that something else was missing. Something else deep in my soul was making it hard for me to believe I was doing a good, no a GREAT job, of parenting my child on the Autism Spectrum.
Then it hit me. I was breaking all of my unspoken rules by how I was parenting my Autistic child. I was parenting him the way he needed to be parented rather than the way I was raised, or was "supposed" to be parenting my child.
Right then and there, I began to redefine for myself what rules I wanted to follow in my parenting. I knew I had to somehow eliminate some of the unspoken rules in my life and that I had to ignore them if I couldn't get rid of them.
The trouble with this is that unspoken rules can be as ingrained into a person as much as their favorite color, sport, food, etc. They are part of the emotional DNA of our bodies and our lives. Often they subconsciously have affected who you've dated, who you've married, how you parent, and many of the other big life decisions a person makes in life. So, eliminating them is a little bit like cutting off a lifeline.
I realized right then that this would be a hard task to unravel. So, I began to create my own list of "unspoken rules" for parents of children diagnosed with Autism. It is a list I realized I repeat to myself whenever doubt or despair gets me down, and that if I can continue to teach them to myself, in a positive way, that I can actually make them into more powerful thoughts than the older "unspoken rules" from my childhood.
- My child can have a behavior in public, as long as I know how to help him work through it.
- It's okay to give my child rewards for what other parents consider "typical" behavior. For example, letting my child watch TV while he eats because he is actually sitting at the table while he eats. Buying him a treat at the grocery store because this time, he didn't run off on me. Giving him a reward for being GREAT on the first day of school.
- It's okay that other people don't understand my child. I do.
- My child is lovable, even when he's hand flapping, spinning, or running away from me (as long as he's less than 20 feet away still).
- My child knows his name now, and that has changed our world.
- My child has learned to make eye contact, and he's a pro at it!
- My child has sensory challenges, and he is my hero every time he tries to work through it on his own.
Part of why I share this is that I've noticed some people are more naturally capable when raising children with Autism. Others struggle.
I believe from observing many people who work with people with disabilities, that it is often our upbringing and unspoken rules, that is actually impacting those people to be successful, or to be unsuccessful. Those who are raised with a different set of rules might just naturally be set up for success for raising a child with a disability, while others will struggle.
If I were to create a list of unspoken rules that I have grown up with, from my childhood to the present, about parenting, that list would look something like this.
- My child/ren will always listen to me.
- I will be a positive authority figure with my child/ren.
- My child/ren will respond well to the discipline I give them.
- Child/ren are meant to be disciplined in order to teach them consequences for their actions.
- Parents love their child/ren unconditionally and their child/ren do the same.
- My child/ren will always behave well in public.
- My child/ren will always be perfect to me.
After having a rather big wake up call the other day, I started to create a newer, more realistic list, of what I hope will become my unspoken rules of parenting, and even of life.
- My children may not listen to me, but I can teach them, through positive parenting, to listen to me.
- I make mistakes, and need to remember to ask my children for forgiveness so that they feel safe loving me, and being parented by me.
- My child does not like discipline and would rather be talked to, or let off the hook, or treated in a kind manner when needing redirection.
- Children do not always need discipline to learn how to behave appropriately. Often, they need their parent to set a better example for them.
- Sometimes it can be hard to love each other, especially after a tough day. That's why forgiveness, hugs, kisses and playing together are so important to do!!!
- My children often completely disregard me and ignore the rules in public, but eventually, as I teach and guide them, I believe they can learn how to behave better in public.
- People are flawed, and children are too. Unfortunately, my children were given their flaws by me, and it is up to me to help them cope with them and deal with them the best I can.
It will take some time for me to change the way I parent my children, but I believe I'm fully capable of doing that. I was parented, and affected by other parents, who parented from the 50's to the 90's. Today, as I enter a new century, and my own experiences with the Autism Spectrum, I've come to grasp and accept that I will develop my own parenting style that may never be defined or embraced by others, but that it will define and change my children to give them a better future, and a better life.
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