Theory of the Mind vs. Theory of the Heart

"Theory of mind refers to the notion that many autistic individuals do not understand that other people have their own plans, thoughts, and points of view. Furthermore, it appears that they have difficulty understanding other people's beliefs, attitudes, and emotions." - Stephen M. Edelson, Ph.D.

The Theory of Heart as it relates to science has to do with the actual heart and how it works.
   
When I ponder Autism, and my own thoughts and feelings about the Theory of the Mind and the Theory of the Heart, I take that same knowledge, and put it into another context, simply for my own sanity and survival.  

For me the Theory of the Mind, as it relates to parenting children challenged by Autism, is that everything you ever, ever, and I do mean EVER instinctively thought you would do to raise a child, is thrown out the door once you realize your child has Autism.  Parenting a child on the Autism Spectrum, almost requires an adult to reformat their brain for parenting. 

Picture taking an old desktop computer, and wiping it clean, then coding it all on your own, with or without the right training.  Sometimes I feel like I am learning to parent the same way I used to teach a computer to take commands using DOS.  If you never had the honor of learning DOS in high school like I did, it's a series of codes and symbols you put into the computer to give it a command, to actually start up a document, or to create an image on the screen.  

Computers today save us all that work.  You can click on an icon or image, and instantly have what you need at your disposal.  Parenting for most people, is a lot like computers today.  You can use the instincts, body language, and everything obvious about your child to just naturally understand how to parent them. 

Parenting a child challenged by Autism, or other similar disabilities, is like re-coding your brain for parenting.  That is why I came up with my own brief messages to send myself in order to cope with the stress of my days with my children.

My definition of the Theory of the Mind, is that you have to learn to cope with raising your child by learning step by step what has to be done in different behaviors and situations.  It's like a math equation for me.  A + B = C.  NOT that simple, but along those lines.  For example, when my child throws a fit/behavior in a grocery store, I know I'm going to either (1) remove the audience, (2) take away a reward, (3) take him to the bathroom to have a little chat about how you behave in a grocery store.  Then try again.  ALWAYS, I try again.  I don't like giving up in front of my son.  

The Theory of the Heart, is how I choose to love my child.  Some ideas are (1) making eye contact all the time is not a requirement, (2) being able to say "I love you" on his own, is no longer important, (3) when he can spin or move in public to self-soothe in a socially appropriate way, I'm unbelievably proud of him! 

The Theory of the Mind vs. Theory of the Heart, is the daily decisions I make about how I'm going to respond to my son.  It's a coping skill I find myself telling myself.  Kind of like "A + B = C", but a little bit altered.  If you want to put it into math terms it's more like "Theory of the Mind + Theory of the Heart = 1".  It's written like a fraction on purpose.  I want the two ideas to become cohesive, balancing each other out, to have a oneness and a unity with my child.

When I attempt to cope with something I am facing with him, whatever it be - a behavior, a sensory moment, over stimulation, the frustration of not understanding social cues - I get to work by trying to balance these things out.  I stop thinking about the way parenting should be for me, and start thinking about what I can do right then to benefit my child so that we don't have these problems in the future.

I take most of my discipline theories from the idea that after you discipline a child, you should always show an outpouring of love towards them.  That means, when I take my son aside, and have to follow my parenting steps, 1, 2, & 3 and try to explain to him everything he should be doing, and why - I show love to him in a way that I know he can accept it, not how I want it to be.  I show him love the way he can receive it.  

Doing this means that as I speak to him I'll look to the side, avoid eye contact, and tell him I love him.  I'll hug him.  I'll rub his cheek with the back of my hand because he likes the scrape of my worn, wrinkled hands against his soft, young cheek.  I'll hug him tight, tight, tight, until he starts to laugh, and then we'll move on.  

You learn amazing things when you parent a child challenged by Autism.  You can discover how much love there is in the world, and even more importantly, within yourself.  This journey is the opportunity to become a better person, and parent, than you ever knew you were capable of being.  Because parenting a child with Autism is an opportunity to become one of the greatest parents that has ever lived on this planet.  It's the chance to become 1 with you and your child.